feeling your feelings
January 1, 1970so here I am, due to have a baby any day now, my newest book out with publishers and me waiting to hear... and we have no money, and I’m in a constant fit of anxiety...
and I realize that although I haven’t cut myself in many years, it still is a part of me, and when I’m under this kind of strain, it pokes up in my head frequently. Only now, I can’t cut myself, for many reasons, the first being that my 4 year old daughter would freak out, because the slightest wound freaks her out, and when I cry that freaks her out... also, I have a strong feeling now that if I cut myself it would be much more serious, I mean, what flashes in my mind is slicing the radial artery lengthwise which is pretty much a death sentence. My husband would kill me (ha ha).
so I guess it’s always with you. what I have to be sure i always do is respect those feelings. sometimes i get caught up in how i think i should feel -- joy and happiness because i have a daughter and husband who love and support me, and i can walk three minutes and be on the beach, and i still love to write even though i had some bad years with it... and so i deny myself the feelings that are “bad”, wanting to die or hit someone or run away.
in my new book, Girl Broken, Jenna (the main char.) cuts herself, but it’s not an issue, because she has bigger problems, like a crystal meth addiction. I wonder how that will sit with people -- cutting as just part of her personality, not her main issue.
In GB, Jenna has to learn to feel ALL her feelings, and to respect the reality of her feelings. This has become a major theme in my life, something I personally struggle with. I thin it will come up in a different way in my next book, Let Her Cry.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at now. Just thought I’d share. Best to you all, and to feeling YOUR feelings.
-- Shelley Stoehr